Dealing with Criticism: a Gospel problem

Recently I was with a group of pastors and we were asked what was the hardest thing about being in ministry. The most common answer was "dealing with criticism."

Christian leaders certainly get a lot of it. I know, because yes, I get my fair share... I get some of the most entertaining emails from time to time. And I say entertaining just to try and keep a good humor about it. I got a one-line email recently telling me that I should not speak of Him whom I obviously don't know (i.e., God). People can be flat-out mean. Sometimes their words cut like a knife. (P.S. How do you know when it's mean spirited? You feel "better" after having sent it, because you got your "blow" in... kind of like that feeling you get when the bad guy in the movie gets shot by the good guy :) )

Leaders have interesting ways of coping with it. Some get really defensive, and lash out on blogs or from their pulpit. Some love to villainize their critics and use them as humorous sermon illustrations. Some get despondent, and have to have their wife or someone else tell them how awesome they are before they feel like going back to work again.

Now, first: some criticism is good, and I need to be man enough to take it. Iron sharpens iron, and iron hitting iron creates uncomfortable sparks for both pieces of iron. Around our pastoral team we are trying to develop a culture of "giving and receiving godly criticism"--we want to care more about the quality and integrity of the Gospel ministry than we do our feelings! So we try and invite good criticism, even if it wounds our fragile egos or denigrates our pet projects. If you have the glory of God and salvation of your people as your goal, then your constructive critical comments are welcome. We may disagree, but we will try to listen gratefully. I hope we would never be so arrogant as to think we are beyond critique. Even the Apostles Peter and Paul had blind spots (Gal 2:14). Had Peter been unable to be criticized by his peers or by his subordinates, the church would be much worse off and none of us would be eating bacon! (And that would be a near tragic loss!)

If your comments are mean spirited (and I can usually tell no matter how much you spiritualize your language and feign good motives), then we'll just pass them around the office and have a good laugh about it.

But it occurs to me that the reason so many of us react so badly to any criticism is actually because we have a GOSPEL problem. You see, most of us, especially first-born type-A leaders, find our significance and value in the opinions of others. Or maybe in our own perception of ourselves. We like to be thought of us as "great people," near-perfect and above reproach -- great leaders, preachers, fathers, Christians, scholars, workers, etc.  Therefore, criticism reduces our personal worth, we believe, because it demonstrates people don't think as much of us as we need them to or that we are not as perfect as need to be. Public criticism threatens to spread that perception among others, which would be devastating for us... which is why it causes such bewilderment in us and provokes such harsh reactions!

But we were never supposed to find our value and significance in how others think about us or how talented we are. We were supposed to find it in how God thinks of us. Adam and Eve enjoyed the favor and love of God, which is why they didn't feel naked. When they lost that, they turned to other "coverings" for salvation, one of which was the admiration of others. But the high opinion of others, like all other fig leaves, is not a satisfactory Savior.

Our salvation is in the Lord, and in the Gospel He has restored to us the favor that we lost. I am fully accepted in HIs eyes, He looks at me as His beloved son. He has declared that my life is significant and has a precise value and purpose (Jer 29:11-13). He has promised that the "warts" I do have He will correct over time (Phil 1:6: Psalm 32:8). That should be enough.

It is because we idolize people and their opinions of us that we are so sensitive to criticism. We don't think God's favorable opinion and acceptance of us is truly satisfying, and so we demand that others laud and praise us to ascribe worth to us. Our very identity is bound up in being liked and accepted by others, rather than who we are in God's eyes in Christ. It is simply old fashioned pagan idolatry, in Christian clothes--as Soren Kierkegaard said, "The root of sin is building your identity on anything but God." If I depend on others thinking I am a great pastor or leader to make me significant, then I am an idolater, and not really a servant of Christ. (Gal 1:10)

Some people pride themselves and their ability to be unpopular and that "they don't care what others think about them." But still, they often have a group they want to please. Just because they eschew the opinion of some does not mean they aren't slave to the opinions of others. In fact, they boast their disavowal of public opinion as a way of gaining the admiration of a select few. Yes, I am describing myself.

Now, you can be righteously angry at criticism because it tarnishes the Gospel or the glory of God. But that is usually not why criticism angers or bewilders me. Usually what aggravates me about criticism is that I feel I am being personally torn down, and that effects my personal worth. Others aren't recognizing my value, and their recognition is my salvation!

So, when I get one of those letters that makes me angry, I practice what I call the "24 hr rule." I put the letter away for 24 hrs and REFUSE to respond to it. That usually gives me time to cool down and evaluate whether or not I am hurt because I am being personally attacked or because the glory of God is being harmed. It is almost always the former. And that 24 hour rule usually saves me from saying a lot of things I regret. Usually, after I feast on God's acceptance of me in Christ, I find that I can learn something from the criticism, and be genuinely thankful for it, regardless of the spirit it was written in. Even the spirit of Satan can be used redemptively to serve the cause of Christ.

Comments

[Politik]

Well put! I believe, you can have a "righteous anger" at someone's statement. But deep down, I think for most of us, it comes down to us feeling personally threatened, or unloved. (Which is what you said... it's a selfish need for approval that motivates our anger.)

In the past few months or so, I have tried REALLY hard to listen to points of view (especially politically!). And instead of going along with my urge to fire back with my opinions & thoughts, from my side of the fence... consider the positive in what they have to say.

And here's the big thing... I try really hard to look at them, just as created by God, as I was. I try to remind myself of how despicable my sinful self is in God's eyes. I try really hard to remember that no matter how "off course" I feel they must be, I (in God's eyes), even with all I might have right, am no better than them.

[Brianna]

It's hardest to accept criticism from those you care about, because no matter how constructive their words may be, it still makes you feel less loved or less "worthy" of their acceptance.

Another thing to note is that the "24 Hour Rule" really works. This isn't to say that I don't make bad decisions, but I've found that this is a good way to stop myself from saying something I'll later regret. Anytime I get angry, no matter what the situation, I try not to react until at least a day later. It's easier said than done because whenever I do get angry I'm sooo sure that my feelings are 100% valid and that my words couldn't possibly be as hurtful as those which may have been spoken to me. But most of the time when that "day later" comes, I find that what I would have said in the midst of anger is either no longer worth saying or can be said in a way that I don't regret.

[Melissa]

Some of the biggest mistakes in my life were made because I let my worth or value be measured by what others thought of me and not what I know God thinks of me! As much as criticism hurts or wounds our egos( whether it was justified or not)it is a reminder that we just don't have it all together, and we can't see the whole picture like God can. The closer and closer I walk with God, the more transparent I feel, which is TOTALLY frightening, and the more I realize my need for a Savior.