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"You Complete Me" and Other Myths

Here is that quote I used on Sunday from Angela Thomas in her excellent book, Am I Beautiful: Questions Every Woman Asks:

Here is one thing I can say with great confidence: the man that you love is just a man. He may be your soul mate. He is possibly your best friend. He may be hunky and funny and surprising and strong, but he will never - not in a million years, not if he goes to relationship therapy twice a week and keeps every promise written - be enough to fill your soul...he will never make you whole. He wasn't made to be enough. He could not be even if he tried. He is just a man, and he can give only as a man and interact as a man and love as a man. He wasn't designed to fill the depth of a woman's longings, anticipate every need, and jump through every hoop. He can't. Those deep places inside you were made for God.

The man is simply a vessel. God uses him to give you a part of the filling of His holy love. But he is not the only vessel, not is he able to fill you from his own strength, nor is he the only thing you will ever need. Are you hearing this? There will never be a man on the face of the earth who can make you whole. Being filled in the depths of your soul is only about the love of God...knowing him...hearing His voice...believing that He's wild about you...dancing in His arms.

The man's responsibility is to be the vessel and to be a good one. He is called to listen to God. To obey as the Holy Spirit leads. To love you in the ways God prompts his heart. If he loves you as a man who walks with God and if you realize that the vessel is just a man, there can be an amazing exchange of healthy love. Through the man you can taste a part of the love that God has for you.

Your responsibility with the man is to let him be just that. He is not your girlfriend. He is not perfect and never will be. He is not your Savior. He is not your filling, nor is he the answer to all your longings. You must let him be fallen and forgiven and in process. You must learn the difference between men who are healthy and those who are not. You must not mistake his opinions for the opinions of God. He may have never called you beautiful or smart or witty. No matter what the man says or doesn't say, God is still wild about you.

How have you overcome the "idolatry" of romance?

Pastor's Round Table: Texas

Sorry to not have kept the blog up the latter part of this week. I was in a pastor's round table forum in Texas, and was slammed morning until evening. Plus, I came down with something pretty bad the night before I was leaving, so my energy level was zilch. I know, I'm such a whiner.

Anyway, the forum was incredible and I learned a ton. I've heard a Pastor I look up to say that at some point a Pastor will get a whole lot more out of sitting around with other Pastors discussing ministry than he will going to yet another conference. That has definitely been my experience.

Here are just a handful of things:

• Never say "This is how we do it." Say, "This is how we do it today." As your church grows and changes, the methodology you use will have to change. This is why you have to be very cautious at tying every method to a Bible verse, because when you change your methodology people think you are abandoning Scripture.
• It was affirmed to me that prayer is best done in the context of small groups. Pastor Larry Osborne, who pastors a church in California that runs over 7000, said, "What church is most known for prayer in the U.S.?" The answer, of course, is Brooklyn Tabernacle. "How many people do they have at a prayer meeting?" About 2000. He said, "Each week, we have over 4000 people seriously engaged in believing prayer--not listening to someone else pray, but actually praying." This is not, of course, to take away from the Brooklyn Tabernacle (what an awesome place!)... but to say that the best context for prayer is the Summit Life Group.
• THE thing that "connects" people to church is friendships. Not discipleship programs. Ever talk to someone who says, "Well... my church was really bad but it took me over a year to leave"? Why did they stay? Almost always the answer is "Because all my friends are there." If you connect people to your church through relationships, chances are they will grow in the things your church is about. Everyone was a "growth" moment, and you can't program it. What you need to do is make sure they are connected to the church so that when they are ripe for growth, they are in the scope of the influence of your church.
• For that reason and many others, the traditional way of just "splitting" a small group really stinks (i.e. your group gets to 16 and so you just split 8 and 8). If your small group is "working," why would you want to split it? And, if people are really growing together... why take away that from them? I pitched the idea our Summit Life Group pastor, Spence Shelton, had about small groups "planting" other groups (training up a gifted couple who will go out and start their own group." Larry Osborne really liked that idea, and said that's what they were seeing work, too.
• I am grateful for our Summit Life staff, who was already doing both of the above!
  
• Average small group attendance compared to Sunday attenders is between 20 and 40%. Summit, I believe you are between 50 and 60, so good job again.
• Average giving in large churches per adult attending=$20/per person. Summit, you are at about $40!
• As a leader, you have to be present, on location, involved in the processes of the church, to make good decisions. The wisdom of Solomon + bad information = a foolish decision. And unless you see things firsthand, you are getting interpretation of things... interpretations which may not always be correct.
• The question to keep forefront in the use of technology is not technological excellence but EFFECTIVENESS. Anything else is a bad stewardship of resources.
• Many pastors of large churches cease to be "real" people... they so isolate themselves from people and life that they become hollow. Sure, in a larger church you have to guard your time, on which there is never-ending demands. But you have to remain in real, accountable, accessible relationships.
• Many pastors develop a sense of entitlement, which is a poison of the heart. The question is not "what privileges do you have?" but "which privileges have you?" i.e. which ones do you require, think you deserve, about which you get angry if they aren't given to you?

Anyway, sorry if those didn't make sense. Just a quick digest.

Questions from the Exposed Series

Over the past few weeks, you have emailed and posted some great questions. I know I won't be able to cover all of them, but here are some *quick* skeleton thoughts I have on some of them. Some of them I'll be dealing with more fully on the Sunday mornings to come.

Feel free to post your own thoughts on the questions in the comments section below... or to post further questions, or to respond to those comments and questions. A blog is not the best thing for a forum, but it can work... Here goes:

*You distinguished between dating and courting and said that in the dating stage there should be no physical intimacy. However, in courting is there room for kissing? Is this a matter of conscience or do you feel that it will still sabotage the relationship?

I didn't mean to say that ALL intimacy was inappropriate before marriage, just that it should lag WAY behind the emotional and spiritual commitment. There are times when an affectionate touch, hug, or even kiss is appropriate, in my opinion. Of course, at no point before marriage should it get your sexual "motor" running. As a friend used to say, "Don't write checks with your mouth you don't intend to cash with your body." A very helpful set of guidelines for establishing physical "boundaries" Veronica and I used while "courting" was (at least, tried to... unfortunately, not always successfully): 1. Nothing below the neck; 2. Nothing in the dark; 3. Never lie down; and 4. Nothing should last longer than 5 seconds. Following these guidelines won't make you 'sexually pure' (only the Holy Spirit through faith in the Gospel can do that!) but they will help you stay away from temptation. As my daddy used to say, "If your head is made from butter, stay away from the fire!"

*What do you think of dating a guy who is a Christian but does not attend church regularly?

Yeah... I understand why that is a tough one. You want to allow room for the person to grow and change. However, the "rule" I'd strongly suggest following is never to date someone you couldn't or wouldn't marry. Would you marry someone who was a Christian but did not attend church regularly? Does it matter to you whether or not your kids are raised by someone who doesn't attend church? Are you OK with going to church alone for the rest of your life. If not, I'd suggest not dating him. For whatever it is worth, the idea that you can be connected to Jesus without loving the church is a Western phenomenon with absolutely no biblical root. The Bible never separates our connection to, or love for, Jesus, and our love for and connection to the local church. As my friend Ed Stetzer says, "You can't love Jesus and hate His bride."

*When I am outside on a beautiful clear night with stars shining all around me, I "feel" a tremendous closeness to God that parallels the love I have for my wife, but that "feeling" does not persist throughout the days as does the "feeling" of love I have for my spouse. What do I make of that?

Feelings come and go for me, too. Love is foundationally a commitment. For "fallen" people (that's theological speak for people who's hearts have been damaged by selfishness)  emotions are fickle and unreliable, which is why it's not wise to build upon them. As one of my early mentors used to say, "Act your way into your feelings, don't feel your way into your actions." However, if "love" emotions are not there, it should make you do some soul searching. "Love" that is simply an act of the will is not fulfilling for the lover or the beloved. If the feelings aren't there, we should ask why they are not. Since emotions aren't something we can will into existence, there has to be something that generates them. Concerning our love for God, that thing that creates love in our hearts for God is the Gospel. As 1 John says, "We love Him because He first loved us." Thus, dwelling on the cross (with the power of the Holy Spirit) is what transforms our cold hearts into warm ones. For further reading on this, I'd suggest the old classic by Jonathan Edwards, Religious Affections.

*So, do you like fat guys with no money?

Err... money's not that big of a deal to me but I am heterosexual... Wait... maybe that was a suggestion for a pick-up line and not a question to me?

Videos of the last 2 weeks are up here. Also, we are having a lot of people come to the 2nd Brier Creek service. If you could come to the 1st service (at 9:00), that would be immensely helpful to allow more room for guests at 10:45!

Monday Open Forum

As I told you, I wanted this blog to be a type of open forum for the several weeks we are doing this Exposed Series on Song of Solomon. (To note, we have easy access to the video feed--including all bumper and illustration videos, like Dumb and Dumber, audio copies of the sermons, and follow up questions here... p.s. this stuff is usually added sometime Monday).

I got a lot of good stuff from you last week, and I read every word of it. In fact, some of you may have heard me incorporate your material into the message without giving you credit :).

So, what questions or comments do you have? One of our bloggers, Sharon Hodde posted some good reflections as a single girl here. Post your thoughts in the comments below.

I have issued to you the "date night challenge": each week for the series go out on a date with your spouse and discuss what we are talking about or the questions I gave to you. Some of you may say, "We don't have the money to do that." Fair statement. Guys, simply planning a dinner at home where you do the cooking... with candles and all the froo froo stuff can be an economical way to do it. If you have kids, wait till the kids go down and then do something special for her. Or go for a walk in Duke Gardens. Whatever... just be in a place where you can focus on each other. That is the point. Now, for some of you guys, the reason you don't want to spend the money on your wife is because you don't value the relationship enough to sacrifice financially for it anymore. And that, of course, is part of the problem. Your wife can see that, by the way. Guys, we spend money at work to maintain the health of our organizations (perks for employees, training, etc). Why would we not spend that type of money also on our marriages? Veronica and I have written into our budget money we use for childcare and dating each other. Some of you guys just need to man up and blow some money on your "most valuable asset."

Any ideas for a creative date? What is the best, most creative "date" you have been on? Post below if you have something good to share.

The questions from Sunday I asked you to talk about on your date were:

• Him to her: Do you feel like I really listen to you?
• Her to him: Do you feel like I respect and follow your leadership?

For our young pro's (unmarried people in their 20's), they've got a great event on Thursday at the Brier Creek campus in "the Bay" area. Details here.

Here are a couple of great books I am recommending (click the link to order them). The Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas and His Needs, Her Needs by Gary Thomas. These books should be read together. His Needs, Her Needs is a very practical book, but doesn't properly put the marriage question in the context of our relationship with God, and marriage really needs to be grounded in Christ. Sacred Marriage shows how our relationships really only grow healthy in Christ. For whatever it's worth, Sacred Marriage gave my marriage even more practical, marriage-saving advice than His Needs, Her Needs.

The Connection Between Church Planting and Small Groups

Here is a great post by our illustrious small groups pastor, Spence Shelton, on the connection between small groups (for us, Summit Life Groups::SLG) and church planting. Spence is one of the wittiest people that I know, and he has a new blog.

Several people in our church have blogs that are quite good. This is by no means an exhaustive list, but here are a few good ones in addition to Spence's:

• Sharon Hodde: Sharon is a women's and college ministry leader. She is a graduate of Duke Div and extremely articulate.
• Jason Gaston: Our clinically insane student life minister. I love him. He's got a great team: Shannon Simoneau and Ryan Doherty. I can't think of anyone I'd rather have leading our middle and high school students.
• David Cox: David is a newer member. He left a very large church in Florida to begin a great new ministry going based here in RDU called "The Other 6 Days." It is designed to lead people to bring the Kingdom of God into the workplace.
• Kristi Butler: Kristi is also a newer member who has been married to pastor for over 20 years and reared 4 wonderful girls, including one they adopted from overseas. She has a lot of wisdom and a great ministry among women.

There are many others... feel free to let me know about them in the comments section.

The title of Sunday's message is "How to Date and Love a Woman." I know, that's ambitious and promises more than I can deliver, but we'll be looking at the Song of Solomon chapter 2:8-3:5. Solomon's wisdom should be able to make up for my lack of it.

The Book Besides the Bible to Take If You Get Stranded on an Island

G. K. Chesterton was once asked what one book he'd take if he were stranded on an island. He said a book about shipbuilding.

Other than that, and the Bible... this is what I'd suggest you take: Tim Keller's new The Reason for God.
If you read one book in your LIFETIME, THIS SHOULD BE IT. I know this sounds like I'm exaggerating, but this really is the absolute best book I've ever read at interpreting the Gospel for our culture.

Keller shows the reasons why only the Gospel can address the needs of contemporary people, why belief in the Gospel is eminently reasonable, and the absolute difference between religion and the Gospel. Keller is a very "plain-spoken" author, but some of the passages in it are so beautiful and compelling you feel as if you are reading poetry. That's because the beauty does not come from the eloquence of the words, but from the clarity of the Gospel.

Here is one sample passage (which you must read in context to get the power of it):

The repentance that really changes your heart and your relationship with G od begins when you recognize that your main sin, the sin under the rest of your sins, is your self-salvation project. In both our bad deeds and our good deeds we are seeking to be our own Saviors and Lords. We have alternative trusts and 'gods,' even though we do not call them that. We try to prove ourselves by our moral goodness or through achievement or family or career. Even diligent involvement in church and religion may need to be repented of once we understand that it was all a way to put God in our debt... (p. 234)

The Gospel is about turning from your worshipping of and being rescued by other things to worshipping and being rescued by Jesus. When you understand the Gospel, it creates such an intense love for and desire for Jesus that you want to spend your whole life just getting more of Him.

One depressing thing about reading this book is I realize how little many "evangelical" churches preach the actual Gospel (seems to me). I'm thinking even of those places that have high "conversion" numbers. People are moved to pray salvation, come-to-Jesus prayers and get baptized, but you don't see a people falling in love with Jesus. And I've heard a number of those places give invitations where the actual run-to-Jesus-who-was-substituted-in-your-place-Gospel was never really explained. Instead, "accepting Jesus" was presented almost as if it was some kind of sacrament that would make you closer to God and fill in that missing piece in your life. Most "converts" come to Jesus as a "way out of hell" or a "path to a better life," but not as a beautiful God with whom we fall in love with. In these converts you see little passion to worship and really know Jesus. If our converts are not passionate about worshipping Jesus, what are we converting them to?

And it starts with us leaders, it appears to me. Sometimes when I listen to successful church leaders I get my mind filled with new, cool ideas (for which I'm grateful), but they don't make me fall in love with Jesus more. They, and we listening to them, appear to be more enamored with success at growing a church than we do adoring the Jesus of the Gospel.

Sorry for the tirade. But on a separate, much lighter note, there is a ridiculously hilarious (new) blog called "Stuff Christians Like." Check out #'s 108-106 (Summitters, we get mentioned in 107)... 101, 100, 26... 98... 90, 89... 68 67, 60... especially 31... Heck, THEY'RE ALL GOOD. WARNING: YOU WILL WASTE AN HOUR OR SO IF YOU GET ON THIS BLOG.

Unity and Division

Wow... thanks for the pick-up lines and other feedback. I'm going through it and enjoying it. I've already tried a bunch of them on Veronica. Some worked better than others. "Hi, I'm Will. God's Will." You got to be kidding me. "So, do you like fat guys with no money?" Hilarious. Sounds like "George" on Seinfeld.

... The following may be of particular interest for you that lead churches... here are some great articles I read recently on the "9 Marks" site about unity and division. This is always a tricky subject, and I thought Mark Dever and his boys did a masterful job working through it.

Here's one by Mark called "Together for What?"
Here's one by my favorite systematic theologian, Wayne Grudem on when and where to draw boundaries.
And while we're at it, here's a pretty good and fair analysis of the uber-popular NOOMA video series by Rob Bell.

I've been working through this question of "What are the 'essential' doctrines around which to unify" for years? I've come to the conclusion that the most essential thing for me is that someone make the Gospel the center of their ministry--Presbyterian, Baptist, Charismatic, or Non-Denominational; Megachurch or 'Emerging'; Calvinist or Arminian; Republican or Democrat: I can work with just about anybody who is truly Gospel centered. (And, by "Gospel-Centered" I don't mean one who simply knows how to repeat the 4 Spiritual Laws, but one who preaches our free acceptance in Christ through faith in His blood as the basis for all Christian living. If that is vague to you, I mean this type of ministry.) Other variances are easier to tolerate if the Gospel is really the center. I'm not saying there are no other essentials, or doctrines that are necessary to maintain Gospel-centeredness, just that the Gospel is preeminent.