My Life is Half Over

So, yesterday I turned 35... as one of my friends told me, "You are now in a whole new age bracket" (that's not true, most age brackets I've seen are "18-35," so I'm still "young"); and another told me, "Hey,  do you realize your life is officially half over?" No, I hadn't. Thanks. My wife took me out to Angus Barn for a truly sinful dinner... as I considered whether or not to get dessert, she told me, and I quote, "No, have the extra dessert. You can eat whatever you want now. You're 35 now so no one finds you attractive anymore anyway." (Oh, and thank you facebook community, to all of you who wrote happy birthday on my wall... facebook has created a whole new world, hasn't it?)

As I was spending time with God early yesterday morning, I began to reflect on the first half of my life... I wasn't doing this intentionally it was just that thing where your mind wanders while you pray sometimes... and I thought about the fact that when the next 35 years is over I will most likely be standing before God to give an account of my life. I was suddenly overcome with a strong sense of how so much of my first 35 years have been lived selfishly--with me as my primary concern. (I know that many of you think that going into the ministry means you automatically live for others and for God, but you very quickly find ways to masquerade serving yourself as benefiting others.) As I look back on my life, I can't tell a lot of difference between living for myself and truly living for the Kingdom of God, and was able to see that most of my life has been dominated by a preoccupation with my own interests. I was overwhelmed with a sense of regret. It caused me to do a few things:

• I determined to live in such a way that I would not feel the same way when I was 70, and asked God to help me to really live for His glory and purposes, not mine, and to give my life as He did for the benefit of lost people.
• I literally clung to the blood of Jesus which is my sure promise of full acceptance before the Father. I know that when I am 70 the blood of Jesus will still be my only hope, and that I will stand as dependent on it as I have ever been. My hope for life is not, and never can be, in how I live, but in what Jesus has accomplished for me on the cross. He is all my hope and peace.
• I have many people to serve, but only One to please. I determined that His call on me would be the only criteria I use to judge the success of my life.

I was also overwhelmed with a sense of gratefulness at the life God has given me. I have an incredible wife who loves me and serves me and gets prettier with each year. She always listens to me, and really tries to understand me. She is my companion and best friend, and she loves to make me happy. I have 3 healthy, beautiful children who make every day a humorous adventure. I have good friends who really care about me. I serve with the greatest people on earth and I love my job. My parents and my parents-in-law are all still alive, and love Jesus and stand as a spiritual covering above my family.

I have 2 conflicting emotions as I think about the next 35 years. The first is a sense of unbridled optimism about the opportunities ahead for our work at the Summit. We have so many things ahead of us... people to win to Jesus, congregations to plant, leaders to train. I can't wait to see what each day brings.

The other is a sense of overwhelming gloom... when I think about the massive numbers of people in RDU alone who don't really know Jesus and who will spend eternity apart from Him I start feeling helpless... and then  the 1/3 of the world who has never had the first witness to Jesus... I feel like no matter how much we accomplish, it will only be a drop in bucket. Sometimes this sense of unbridled optimism will be followed immediately by a helpless-feeling depression. I feel like an ant who's been charged with removing all the water from the ocean one molecule at a time.

All I can do is give all I have to God, my five loaves and two fishes, and ask Him to do more with it than I ever thought possible. And I can pray that God will bless the work of Gospel-loving people all over the world so that together, we can see His Kingdom come and see His salvation fill the earth.

"Lord, so teach us to number our days that we may apply our hearts to learn wisdom." Psalm 90:12