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Good Questions for Marriage Discussions

As you may know, David Powlison is one of my absolute favorite authors. He has influenced my preaching as much as anyone. He has given three categories of questions to ask your spouse... we'll be talking a little about the family this week, so this might get you in the mood. For a sermon that is.  Here they are... (thanks to Justin Taylor for putting me onto these)

1. What are your present burdens?

The Bible tells us that we are born for trouble (Job 5:7). So what is the trouble? A sin? A responsibility? An issue at work? A particular conflict? What weighs you down? What was your lowlight of this day? These burdens are the “heat of life.”

2. What are your present joys?

What were your highlights from the day? These joys are the “dew of blessing.”

3. What is your calling?

This could include the mundane tasks, or broader life-purpose questions. What are your duties for this day? What do you need to do? What are your goals for this day? For example, a parent could say, “Today, I don’t want to lose my temper with the kids.” It could be as simple as this.

Powlison's got a great little book on this called Renewing Marital Intimacy

 

The Song is Over: Blooper roll... the Sequel?

So... our journey through the Song of Solomon is over! I know for some of you that is sad, and for others that is a relief. Ha. You can access any you missed, plus watch the videos, etc, here. I have a few final , departing comments on the Song of Solomon. Here they are:

• If nothing else, Song of Solomon shows us that we need to celebrate love and sexual passion. (A lot of things in the SoS are difficult to interpret, but that part is not. God is into sex and romance!) I believe that one of the reasons our society has gone so hogwild into the sexual revolution was that we (the church) failed to teach and celebrate a positive, God-centered view of sex and romance. We treated it as taboo. On one hand, our world only heard us only say “don’t,” and on the other they tasted the beauty of sex and love and they chose the latter. What we should be doing is giving them a SUPERIOR view of sex. God's problem with the world's view of sex is not that it's too high, but too low! You can check out sermons 1 and 4 for more on that.
• How I treat my wife has radical implications on how she learns to trust God (and visa versa). This is a wild thought. God intended marriage to be a laboratory wherein we learned trust, commitment, humility, intimacy, and forgiveness. When I fail to model God-like behavior in my marriage, it makes it more difficult for my wife to see and understand God. Mark Dever, in his short commentary on SoS, says, "Perhaps you have a hard time trusting your friends, or your spouse, or even God because of experiences in the past when you felt betrayed. In the same way, a positive experience with a spouse who is committed in love can begin to teach even the most damaged among us about god's love for us and the love we can have for him. How? Through our relationships with our spouses, we learn to relate to and deeply trust someone who is different than we are. And as we do that, we learn to trust God, who, in his holiness and beauty, is more different from us than our spouses are." Wow.

The sequel?

This book ends with the most random little admonition... it can really only be described as the end of the movie hint about a sequel... like on Friday the 13th when you'd see Jason's hand twitch at the end of the movie or in Rocky 87 when Rocky stirs in his grave when a new thug comes into town. Or maybe it could be like the blooper roll at the end of the credits... not sure. Whatever, I didn't have time to get into it on Sunday since I wanted to end with the Gospel and the Lord's table. Here it is. It's a great "final thought."

Here's the setup: In her diatribes about the pleasures of sex, the girl in SoS has been constantly repeating the refrain, "I tell you, daughter of Jerusalem, by the wild gazelles, do not awaken love until it pleases. She repeats that one more time in 8:4. Then, at the end of the book, her brothers speak about another little sister they have...

8 We have a little sister, and she has no breasts. What shall we do for our sister on the day when she is spoken for?

Translation: we have a sister who is immature and not ready for love and sex... she's got no breasts! So, how will we protect her?

9 If she is a wall, we will build on her a battlement of silver, but if she is a door, we will enclose her with boards of cedar.

There are two types of single women: walls--women who are guarded with their sexuality, pure... and doors--women who are open with their sexuality.

Get the image here... a wall keeps straggling people out of your house. An open, swinging door lets whomever come meandering in. If she is a wall, she will be adorned, says her brother. If she is a door… she ought to have underwear made out of cedar boards put on her.

Girls, be a wall. Married sex is the best sex. Once you give away something you can never get it back. Yes, God can heal you, cleanse, and make all things new, but it's incredibly painful for you to go through that healing process and it caused Jesus' death to provide it for you. Sex is great... just wait for it. God gives His best to those who wait. Your future husband will be glad you did. I promise. God's way is always best.

That's all for the S.o.S. We're signing off...

Question and Answer 3

These are a series of posts responding to questions in a Q&A session after the 2nd service on Sunday (we will have it up soon here). People texted their questions in during the message, on all subjects, and we tried to answer them. Unfortunately we didn't get a chance to answer them all. This is a joint effort among me (J.D.) and my 2 fantastic associates, Charlie Dunn and Mike McDaniel.

What version of the bible do you use? Which one should I use? I’m not a scholar.

That makes two of us. Basically, the different versions of the Bible fall into two categories. These categories are based on the approach the translators took in rendering the Bible from the original languages into English. The first approach is formal equivalence. Here the goal is a word-for-word translation. The downside is that this can cloud the meaning, like when there doesn’t exist an equivalent word in English. Good examples of literal translation are the English Standard Version (ESV), the King James Version (KJV), and the New American Standard Bible (NASB).

The second approach is called dynamic equivalence. The goal here is to convey the meaning of the original text most clearly. The emphasis is on readability. The downside is that you are relying more on the interpretation of the translators. Various translations lean more toward literal translation and ease of readability. At the risk of being a little simplistic, the NIV tries to translate sentence by sentence. The New Living Translation (NLT) goes paragraph by paragraph. The Message translation basically reads a page of the Greek, waits a day, and then goes back and jots down what the author remembers from what he read. (That's a joke). But translation like The Message and the NLT take a lot of liberty. Sometimes they nail it and sometimes I feel like they really blow it.

Now that I’ve succeeding in confusing you, let me clarify. There are versions that fall more in the middle. The NIV is a good one. I recommend the English Standard Version (ESV). It’s fairly literal but much more readable than the NASB. (The NASB is great, it's just that the translators forgot people were actually going to read it). To be honest, it’s a good idea to keep more than one version around. That way, when you come to a passage, you can read it in different versions to help you understand. That’s one reason that J.D. uses different versions on Sundays. In this Song of Solomon series, Pastor J.D. has used both the ESV and the NLT, sometimes interchangeably. Sometimes I do my "time with God" from the NLT because of the readability. If I really want to dig in to the text, I will break out my ESV.

Is it okay for a dating couple to spend the night together if they don't have sex?

Sharon Hodde wrote a great blog addressing this question a while back. Check it out here.

Question and Answer 2

These are a series of posts responding to questions in a Q&A session after the 2nd service on Sunday (we will have it up soon here). People texted their questions in during the message, on all subjects, and we tried to answer them. Unfortunately we didn't get a chance to answer them all. This is a joint effort among me (J.D.) and my 2 fantastic associates, Charlie Dunn and Mike McDaniel.

How much should you tell your fiancé(e) about your sexual past?

This is a tough question, for several reasons. Sharing your past mistakes can mean reliving memories you would rather forget. It may lead to shameful, even painful moments between you and your spouse. But the real fear is that disclosing your past might cause your fiancé to change their opinion about you, even break off the engagement.

Imagine an engaged couple sitting together in a park. He turns to her and says, "There is something I've got to tell you. Two years ago I had sex with another girl. I've wept over that night many times. But I believe God has forgiven me, and I hope you can too." In the weeks that follow, she forgives him, and they marry. On their first honeymoon night they lie together, and as he looks at her, tears well up in her eyes. He says, "What's the matter?" And she says, "I just can't help but think of that other girl."

Is it worth risking hurting the person you love and changing your relationship to talk about things that are in the past? After all, God has forgiven you (1 John 1:9). In a word, YES, it is worth it. Here’s why. While it’s true that God has forgiven you, it’s also true that your past decisions affect you. Let me be clear. You are a new creation (2 Cor 5:17). But most of us are still growing into the reality of that identity. We still deal with the shame of our past. And so Dennis Rainey concludes, “It is better to speak the truth prior to your marriage than to live with the fear, deceit and shame that comes from hiding the truth from your mate.” Even worse than the situation I described earlier is the one in which you are lying together, and one person suddenly asks, “How you ever been with anybody else?” Plus, sharing about your past can be an opportunity for God to bring additional healing in your life.

Now this doesn’t mean that you need to draw them a picture. They don’t need to hear all the sordid details. Focus your sharing on what might affect your relationship today. Think beforehand about what you’re going to share. Make sure you have experienced forgiveness for everything. It might be a good idea to share with a friend first.

And remember the importance of timing. These are not wise things to share in the early stages of a dating relationship. It would be hard, however, to think of an engaged couple who do not know each other at this level.

If you’re on the receiving end of this conversation, prepare yourself by remembering what God has done to forgive you. Remember that part of the beauty of marriage is that the two of you are "naked," body and soul, and not ashamed. Accept your future spouse as Jesus has forgiven you. Make a decision to respond in grace before the conversation. For more advice, check out Preparing for Marriage by Dennis Rainey, from which I’ve drawn heavily.

Question and Answer... from Sunday

After the 2nd service on Sunday, we had a 30 minute Question & Answer session at both campuses (we will have it up soon here). It was an experiment, and went great. People texted their questions in during the message, on all subjects, and we tried to answer them. In addition, people came to some mics and asked some questions live. We got some great questions (and some pretty audacious ones, too!), and unfortunately didn't get a chance to answer them all. So, over the next few days, we'll try to answer a few on the blog. This is a joint effort among me (J.D.) and my 2 fantastic associates, Charlie Dunn and Mike McDaniel.

  1  How do you know if you have the gift of celibacy (or singleness)?

- Al Though this, like any question of spiritual gifting, is deeper than can be answered in a few sentences, this one, at the very least, might be summed up in the statement: If you believe that having ‘the gift of celibacy’  would be more of a cursing than a gift, then you probably do not have the gift. (I used to get a kick in college by telling random girls in our campus ministry that God told me in prayer that they had the gift of celibacy and watching their faces in response... yes, it was an evil thing to do. Of course I told them I was kidding and they rarely trusted me anyway.) In other words, Paul always speaks of spiritual gifts in terms of those things which the Holy Spirit has imparted to believers to glorify God by their enjoyment and for the purpose of edifying others (1 Corinthians 12, 14). Consequently, if not being married and therefore experiencing the benefits of sex in the context of marriage is something that would frustrate, embitter, or leave you prone to sexual immorality, rather than freeing you to do less-encumbered ministry then it is probably not a gift you have. Also, it is my experience that God sometimes gives this gift for a 'season,' and during that time will give you the capacity to handle 'singleness' even if it is not your 'permanent' state.

Do you think it is ok for a couple to have sex if they are in love and plan on getting married eventually?

Though unpopular with the culture of our day, the Biblical answer to this question is a resounding ‘No,’ but not for the reason that many might think…ie: That God is somehow and in some way against sex or really just a cosmic prude. Rather God has ordained sex to be experienced in the confines of heterosexual marriage for our benefit and for his glory, not to punish us. Dr. Daniel Akin, President of Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary in his sermon “When Christ is Lord of the Home” outlines three specific areas in which God’s plan for sex benefit us in contrast to our culture’s perspective of ‘anyone, anytime, for your fun and pleasure.’ These areas are our protection, pleasure, and partnership.
In the first area, Akin simply states that if every human being would practice sex as God has outlined it; between one man and one woman, for life, in the context of marriage, every sexually transmitted disease would be eradicated in one generation. Naturally humanity, corporately and individually, would experience a greater degree of health and protection simply by doing sex God’s way.

Regarding pleasure, Akin references various surveys and studies which state that those who enjoy or are most fulfilled in their sex lives are those experiencing it as God has ordained. Furthermore, those who are most frustrated with their sex lives or experiencing the least amount of pleasure are those who have adopted the secular sex ethic as opposed to the Christian.

Finally, regarding partnership, and maybe most directly related to the question, the Bible views sex as a building-block for intimacy. The key word here is building-block. Though it may be a large block, it is merely a block and not the foundation. Rather the foundation of intimacy between two people is spiritual (See Genesis 2:18-25), which comes in the form of covenanting with one another to live life under God for the benefit of the other. Consequently, when sex precedes the spiritual covenant it creates a façade or illusion of intimacy without there actually being the presence of intimacy and true partnership. It is like eating the icing without ever getting to the cake. It is tasty and pleasurable, but eventually, the taste and pleasure are exposed as superficial and without substance. Likewise, when sex is experienced outside the context of Biblical marriage, even under the auspicious of “love” what is really occurring is a joint statement whereby one or both partners are asserting that they merely want to use the other for the “icing” and not covenant to the other so as to take on the “cake” or substance of that person’s being (personality, strengths, weaknesses, etc). Eventually, one or both partners will realize that they may be  accepted sexually or even emotionally by the other, but that they are not really known for who they are. This is superficiality, not true intimacy and partnership. 

The  key in all this is to see that God, as He has outlined sex, has done so for our benefit and well-being and not to punish, confine or frustrate us. After all, he told Adam that it was “not good for him to be alone” (Genesis 2) and regarding Christ himself, Paul says in Romans 8:32, “He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?” God loves and has proven his love to us in the life, death and resurrection of Christ, such that he is fully trustworthy when it comes to issues like doing sex according to his way.

     (You might also check out weeks 4-5 of the Exposed series on this too...)

Broken beyond repair?

Guest Blogger: Cynthia Mann, Summit Counselor

As Counselor on Staff at The Summit Church I have met a lot of different people. Actually, since marriage counseling is at least 70% of what I do, I’ve met a lot of different couples. I was excited to find out J.D. was preaching an entire sermon series on marriage. I knew many marriages were benefiting. But what if you are in a marriage that feels absolutely broken and irreparably damaged? Was being told to go have fun on a date, start communicating, start having sex, even how to love each other, enough to mend the relationship?

Recently I have seen a new trend in counseling couples. I am encountering men who are seeking help after their wives have walked out. These men are often surprised and confused by the depth of their spouse’s unhappiness, but they are also desperate to heal the relationship. But despite their willingness to go to counseling and work on the marriage, they receive no hope or encouragement from their wives. In their book, The Walk Out Woman, authors Steve Stephens and Alice Gray describe the hearts of many of these women:

“One woman we spoke to told us she had seriously thought about leaving her marriage nearly every day for more than two years. She was overwhelmed with feeling disappointed, hurt, misunderstood, and unappreciated. Several other women told us they were lonely and angry to the point of despair. They had lost all hope for their marriage…”

How can we as a church walk alongside these couples in a real and significant way? How do we help those that have been hoping, praying and waiting until they are exhausted?

If you are broken, there is help. Here are three immediate steps you can take:

1. Buy the book The Walk Out Woman. Give it a chance before you give up.
2. Talk to someone WISE, a fellow believer that will walk with you. This person may be a friend, a small group leader, a pastor, or a counselor. If you decide to see a counselor, go even if your spouse won’t! God can do amazing things in you even if your spouse never shows.
   
   
3. Finally, when you don’t know where to start or how to find God in your life, speak out, ask for help. We want to walk with you. Even when your spouse seems like your greatest enemy, God remains faithful. Psalm 36:5 says, “Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies.” You might be broken and damaged, but you are never beyond repair.

If you want to help others, here’s a training event for you: on May 31^st Dr Sam Williams will teach Basic Biblical Counseling for the Lay Person. It’s for those of us who aren’t experts, but who live and share our lives in a community of hurting people.

Ultimately, brokenness in the Body of Christ requires healers at every level, not just the pastors. We may not all have suffered in identical ways, but we are all broken. Ministries like Celebrate Recovery and Counseling help, but true healing within a broken congregation comes when individuals within the body of Christ walk together. The phrase love each other is a part of our vision statement for a reason!

Date Night, Baby

I've got to tell you how great it's been to hear some of the stories you've told me about what the "date your mate" challenge has been to your marriage. For those of you that don't know, we challenged married couples to go on a date night once each week during this series. This past Friday we (the pastoral team) tried to show you how serious we were about it by keeping everybody's kids and giving $20 and a date night plan to couples. We also rotated through a prayer room lifting up each of the couples that were out on their date that evening.

We gave out a ton of money and were flat overrun with kids. It was awesome.

Here is a note I got from one of our more colorful members that you just have to read. Worth your time, I promise:

I need to tell you what a ridiculous blessing date night was to me and my husband. Let me explain: I have an exemplary and amazing husband. He basically does everything right, from telling me I'm beautiful to bringing me flowers for no reason. Nonetheless, since the birth of our last child, I have basically been teetering on the edge of a wild depression spiral/panic attack/wild cookie dough-eating spree, or all of the above. You see, I'm a stay at home mom of what at times feels like an actual gaggle of children (whom are precious and delightful in the Lord's eyes, thank you very much), and lately that role has essentially consumed me. I sometimes feel like I am beginning to disappear, that I no longer exist as an individual, but simply as a caretaker, sippy cup distributor, and CEO of our household chores division: and forget about feeling romantic or physically becoming. HA! There are days that I don't even get to brush my teeth, let alone shower or even change out of my pajamas, so even though my man and I love each other madly, there is just no room for a spark (unless you're really into sweatpants or teeth with sweaters on them).

Friday night was the first time in almost a year that I have really felt alive. Truly.

I got dressed up for the first time since I can remember and even showered...SHOCKER! I put on his favorite perfume. My teeth were perfectly matched; not one was missing. My husband could IMMEDIATELY sense the difference.  I don't know if it was the fact that we were able to go a restaurant that was a little nicer than we ones we usually frequent (hello, $20 bill!), or that we had such a large block of time (and such fantastic babysitters!) and didn't have to rush back to the kids, but we were just giddy the whole night. It felt like the night was just for us, and I have to say I didn't think about the kids once (is that bad? sue me.). We talked and talked and talked, and not just the typical "how was your day" nonsense...my husband told me things he had never told me before, and vice versa. It may have been that I was just truly listening for the first time in a while. It was oddly reminiscent of our first few dates. My husband noted that he could literally feel the prayers of the pastors back at the Brier Creek campus pouring over our conversation and interaction with each other.

Honestly, the night was HOT!  At one point, my husband actually leaned over and nuzzled against my neck, remarking how good I smelled. He was gazing at me, and by gazing, I mean staring and drooling. I felt attractive and worthwhile. I didn't pity my husband for having to deal with me, my fatigue, or my weirdo body issues. I found him WILDLY attractive, and honestly, that sparked my recently nonexistent libido. He enjoyed this, needless to say. We kissed in the restaurant, and then again in the car. We were essentially all over each other, and that was such a refreshing change from our recent state of affairs. I am proud to say that I am totally hot for my husband, even after all these years, and that makes me proud...we answered all the questions on the questionaire, and it really helped us focus on what we have, which is so valuable and so precious, and also on what we like it to become. We have been gifted with each other, and are newly determined to cherish and protect that gift. We have a game plan in place. We each know where the other stands, so no more guess work, which means a lot less frustration and needless bickering. I am just so thankful that the Summit Church prizes its members and their marriages in such a way. We were so deeply blessed by Date Night....when is the next one?

We have only a couple of weeks left in the Exposed: Song of Solomon series. What questions do you really hope Solomon addresses?

Guest Blog: Coming to Church Naked?

My excellent research assistant, Mike McDaniel, wrote a great piece in reflection on the connection between the Gospel and relationships in the Song of Solomon. Mike's a Gordon-Conwell grad, a native Texan (yes, one of those), and a relatively new face around the Summit...Sorry for the tawdry title, just wanted to get your attention :)

Have you ever had that dream where you’re standing in front of a room full of people and suddenly you realize that you’re naked? It’s horrifying…you want to cover yourself but all you can do is stand there, in all your glory…

This may just be a dream, but the fear is very real. Deep down, we have this fear of people seeing the REAL us, unclothed and uncensored – in a word, exposed. JD talked about it on Sunday. It’s a fear as old as the Garden of Eden.  We want to be fully known and loved, but we’re afraid of what people will think when they see us as we really are. Many experience this fear even as Christians. We know that Jesus died for us. And yet we are still haunted by the shame of our sins.

I had a revelation on this topic a while back. I realized that this fear is the result of not getting the whole Gospel. You see, Jesus didn’t just die to take away the guilt of our sins…He also died to take away the shame. This is seen most clearly on the cross. There the Son of God was stripped bare, humiliated, exposed – for all the world to see. Hear it in Isaiah’s words:

Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood. For your Maker is your husband, the LORD of hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer. (Isa 54:4-5)

Jesus took the humiliation of our sins upon himself, so that in Him, we can be fully exposed, but not ashamed.

Disclaimer: this does not mean you can come to church naked.

Love Poems and Our Contribution to your Dating Life, Etc.

OK... so a few things on your radar screen... the date your mate challenge continues (Details Here). This Friday, April 25, the Summit staff will provide free childcare from 6:00 to 10:00. You have to register your child, and can do so here. We will also be providing a cash gift, no strings attached, to you to take your mate out to dinner. (It's that important to us that you open up the communication lines with your spouse!) Come by the Summit offices (suite 114) that Friday between 5:00 and 7:00 p.m. to pick up your stipend. No excuses guy...we got kids and $ taken care of.

One thing that has really come out in the series the last two weeks is that we don't have to read Song of Solomon in some weird, allegorical way to realize that the model for sex and love is the Gospel. And even moreso, the Gospel is our empowerment for real love and great sex. In the Gospel Jesus sees us not according to our imperfections, but covers us with His love. He says to us "Behold, you are perfect in every part" (4:7) even though, like Solomon's bride, we are far from perfect. He covers over our imperfection with His total, unconditional, covering banner of love. (2:4). It is when we have experienced His satisfying, unconditional, grace-filled, adoring love that we can really love someone. As C. S. Lewis says, only in Jesus can we escape "need love" (we depend on our spouse to satisfy our thirsty soul) and be able to offer "gift-love" to our spouse (a love that starts with satisfaction in Christ and overflows in sacrificial, compassionate love to our spouse). That is an important concept to get: Jesus is not just our model for romantic love, He is our empowerment to do so. That is what Gospel-centered romance, and sex, is all about.

The "extra credit" for you guys was to write a love poem to your spouse (since that's what the whole Song of Solomon is). If you want to submit it anonymously, I'd love to read some of them. You can do so here. Here's the beginning of my Solomon style love poem for Veronica:

Roses are red
Mildew is wet
Thinking of you
Makes my teeth sweat

Our love is ferocious
It has passed many tests
I can't wait to come home,
To get a look at your... smile.

Obviously I have some work to do. If you want to watch the video, etc from the message, you can access that here.

And here is the video we showed about the guy who wrote a love song to his wife that backfired: Download romantic_song_gone_wrong.wmv

"You Complete Me" and Other Myths

Here is that quote I used on Sunday from Angela Thomas in her excellent book, Am I Beautiful: Questions Every Woman Asks:

Here is one thing I can say with great confidence: the man that you love is just a man. He may be your soul mate. He is possibly your best friend. He may be hunky and funny and surprising and strong, but he will never - not in a million years, not if he goes to relationship therapy twice a week and keeps every promise written - be enough to fill your soul...he will never make you whole. He wasn't made to be enough. He could not be even if he tried. He is just a man, and he can give only as a man and interact as a man and love as a man. He wasn't designed to fill the depth of a woman's longings, anticipate every need, and jump through every hoop. He can't. Those deep places inside you were made for God.

The man is simply a vessel. God uses him to give you a part of the filling of His holy love. But he is not the only vessel, not is he able to fill you from his own strength, nor is he the only thing you will ever need. Are you hearing this? There will never be a man on the face of the earth who can make you whole. Being filled in the depths of your soul is only about the love of God...knowing him...hearing His voice...believing that He's wild about you...dancing in His arms.

The man's responsibility is to be the vessel and to be a good one. He is called to listen to God. To obey as the Holy Spirit leads. To love you in the ways God prompts his heart. If he loves you as a man who walks with God and if you realize that the vessel is just a man, there can be an amazing exchange of healthy love. Through the man you can taste a part of the love that God has for you.

Your responsibility with the man is to let him be just that. He is not your girlfriend. He is not perfect and never will be. He is not your Savior. He is not your filling, nor is he the answer to all your longings. You must let him be fallen and forgiven and in process. You must learn the difference between men who are healthy and those who are not. You must not mistake his opinions for the opinions of God. He may have never called you beautiful or smart or witty. No matter what the man says or doesn't say, God is still wild about you.

How have you overcome the "idolatry" of romance?